Et tu, Brute?





Cute kid came for an injection today.
10 month old, very playful, smiling like an angel.
"Gunjan" her mother filled in when I asked the name.
"Hello Gunjan !"
Her eyes lit up listening to her own name.
We had a good start.
Waved to my Hello, she took the rattle I gave to her for playing, trying to bite the bright colored plastic toy like all the kids of her age do.
She sat in her mother's lap while I jotted notes in her file.
"She has learnt to sit up, crawls on the floor", Her mom was proud to tell me. 'She speaks Baba only'
I nod.
'Milestones WNL' ,my pen scribbles automatically.
"Put her on the table, please."
I order her mother.
Small village woman. She follows.
"Hey, Golu!!!"
I chimed my favourite practiced phrase, waving a stuffed teddybear in her face. I let her grab it. Two tiny hands, hold the toy far less cute than herself.
As I put my stetho, I keep the eye contact. My grin never losing its width. I note the heartrate, the respitration, the liver-spleen not palpable. Abdomen soft. I even tickle her.
She played with me all the time on my examination table, and  continued to smile at me while I filled the syringe and swabbed the injection site.
****************************
The injection was fast.
One swift motion. A play of a needle and a plunger and squeeze of fingers. Later, swab of cotton on the wound followed by the anticipated wailing and crying  which I have been so accustomed to through my practice of medicine.
But before she cried.
Before she started to cry, There was one brief moment.
A fragment of time so short, not even her Parents seemed to notice.
The moment when I pushed the needle, the angelic smile which she was giving me got erased from her moon-like face.
Replaced by a look
A look of being betrayed.
A look of surprise and pain and anger.
With her tiny infant eyes. She looked at me.
God!!! she looked at me for one fraction of a second.
No sound.
But I knew what she meant.
Oh My God !!!!!!!
My heart shattered into a million pieces.
Oh My God, what have I done!!!






I betrayed a child!




The room was filled with the sound of her crying. Her mother clutched & hugged her as soon as I removed the swab.
***************************
She is now gone. Went home with her mother.
But I will never forget that face. The memory will never be erased.
One of the few moments when I ask for forgiveness.
One of the few moments where I am Not #Proud to be a #Pediatrician.





#TrueStory

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